MM- Snow Day!

Greetings from La Chambre Moore! We are currently enjoying a blizzard by snuggling up, watching movies, and baking Sam Adams German Chocolate Bock Cake. Nom.

Enjoy this lovely winter day

MM- Merry Christmas to all!

And to all a good night....

Ceaseless Hope

[We] must be [people] of ceaseless hope…Every human act, every Christian act, is an act of hope. But that means [we] must be [people] of the present, [we] must live this moment - really live it, not just endure it - because this very moment, for all its imperfection and frustration, because of its imperfection and frustration, is pregnant with all sorts of possibilities, is pregnant with the future, is pregnant with love.

- Walter Burghardt

Last night I attended Candlelight Carols at Trinity Church in Copley Square. The choir performed beautifully, the candlelight processions were enchanting, and a packed out church singing Carols together finally brought out the Christmas spirit I knew I still had in me. What truly touched me, however, were the readings. I know many around me found them boring and were merely sitting through them before the music returned, but I found them to be inspiring. In an attempt to once again begin living life, not simply enduring it, I will be posting these readings as we lead up to Christmas. This posting is more for myself than anyone else, but I hope that others will be equally inspired.

Improvement?

I find that I'm letting myself find more happy or peaceful moments in my days, but I'm still scared. Every time I feel an ache in my ankle, I worry the tumor is coming back. When I make plans I look forward to, I prepare myself for them to go awry. What bothers me the most is the fear I have for the future. I worry my future children will have health problems much worse than my own. When I hear siren coming down the street when James is at school, I momentarily fear something has happened to him, or that something will someday soon. These fears are always fleeting thoughts, but the are more frequent. As I said before, I dread the loss. I want to be back in a place where the future holds hope. For now I hope that the positive moments of the present will eventually find their way back into my dreams of the future. Prayers for this are appreciated.

30 by 30 - December check in

Ok, I thought I would post how I am progressing with my 30x30 goals. :)

1. Purchase a pair Warby Parker Glasses
2. Drink a cold Sam Adams while looking at a "cold" Sam Adams
3. Go to Wilmington and take cheesy photos :)
4. Take the trolley to Doyle's
5. Attend an author signing
6. Skate at Frog Pond
7. Work through my french text book
8. Attend one of Boston's quirky brunch options
9. Check a new state off the list (virginia beach)
10. Complete the Independent coffeeshops of Boston list (4 down, 9 to go)
11. Hug James as much as possible!
12. Decide my next career path
13. See Grace Potter & the Nocturnals in concert
14. Run a full 5k
15. Photograph the Polar plunge
16. Send more letters and cards
17. Own a pair of TOMS
18. Cook Julia Childs Poulet au Porto with Artichokes & hollandaise sauce (successfully)
19. Sing along with Carols by Candlelight at Trinity church
20. Watch the Godfather trilogy
21. Surprise someone
22. Take the girls to the Zoo (it keeps eluding us)
23. Enjoy a trip with James that does not involve work, school, or anybody we know!
24. Learn how to whistle loudly
25. Make good use of my library card
26. Swim in Walden Pond
27. Spot a classic Boston celebrity
28. Camp @ Boston Harbor Islands
29. Complete the Walks of Greater Boston list (one more completed, a few to go).
30. Be tumor free!

MM- whimusical

For those who need a touch of whimsy today:

Some days, a song can save you...

This is one of those songs. The kind of song that makes you want to stand alone, with falling snow kissing your lifted face, and simply breath. deeply. I apologize for the delay, though whatever I would have pulled out of my hat/rear on monday would not have meant as much as this song does.

This week has been heart breaking and cathartic. I have grown so tired. Times have been hard before, but there is something different this time around. Something very personal and difficult to explain. There are moments I can speak of, pain and revelations that I have shared with my closest friends. I have, inappropriately at times, publicly aired my frustrations through a variety of mediums. I have unashamedly given in to, nay, welcomed a murky world view... I felt I was drowning in that half full glass which I was desperately clinging to.

While hoping to not sound overly cliche, I have been a stubborn and terrified wanderer on an arduous spiritual journey. A journey where the guide seems bent on breaking me, or possibly just insisting I finally admit I'm broken. I have put up a good fight. I have stuffed my emotions until they finally started escape through the cracks. I questioned my sanity when trite television dialogue would make me weepy, but written it off as fatigue. Turns out I was not completely off base... I am tired. So very tired. Tired of disappointment. Tired working so hard at life with little visible pay-off. Tired of questioning the validity and value of my relationships. Tired of the pain of letting go. Tired of the contempt our society holds for each other. Tired by the knowledge there are people more worse off then I, tired that I can't sufficiently help them, tired of the fact that I often lose site of them. Tired of misunderstanding. Tired of my broken body. Tired by reality yet exhausted by those who can't acknowledge it. Tired of watching those I love be overlooked. Tired of being wrong. Tired of being right. Tired.

What I ask for are explanations and resolutions, but what I really am searching for is meaning. That is as clear as I can be. I don't know what I want, but I know it is more than this. I don't know what is coming from being broken and can only trust that I'll be stronger. But trust is hard. Trust is terrifying. Trust is something I am wary of granting, something incomprehensible during times of wretchedness. Times could be better. Times will be better. But I fear the better because I dread the loss.

I struggle with God. Not in His existence, but rather what I'm supposed to do with that, with knowing Him, with this relationship that is so unclear. I'm angry with God, even though I know my anger is misguided. At times I wish there was such a thing as Karma, life would be simpler than. I could believe that in my next life I will be a Muppet and the douche bags of the world will be stink bugs. I think that would make life a bit easier. Sadly, I do not believe that we know God because He makes our life easier. In fact, I'm sure he doesn't. One could argue that I don't know how much easier God has made my life, but face it, God did not force a fair existence upon us (thanks-ish). As much as I was "informed" growing up that my goodness will "add more jewels to my crown in heaven", I don't believe heaven is a place where people have bragging rights, and frankly, I've never been one for jewelry. But that promise of peace... that peace is something I desire now, and am still unsure how to procure it, or even understand it. I seem to find it in fragments.

Yesterday, it was in a pine cone. More specifically, the pine cone sitting in the base of my "christmas tree stand". A pine cone found by my husband, on our hunt for holiday decorations. A pine cone whose potential existence was the reason for James to get me bundled up and outside, out of my bed, and to stop my tears. It was something I could work with, something I could make beautiful and useful, and in that I found peace. Throughout our search, we also may have ripped a huge branch off of a tree at a nearby school, to fill in as a Christmas tree in our home...but that's a story for another day and another topic. :)

Today, I find peace in a song. As it washes over me, I stare at the pine cone and find hope in the reminder that I have someone to take me by the hand and help me stand tall. I think for now, that's all I can do.

"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair"

- Mumford & Sons

Food junkie

I love food. I love cooking. I love making grocery lists, especially when they contain ingredients for a dish I have never attempted before. This week I will be preparing a chicken pot pie, black bean chorizo soup (with a hint of orange), and a russian vegetable soup. Comfort food for the cold and dreary days (temperately and emotionally)? Yes, please!

I have been saying this for 6 months now, but I will say it again. I would love to disappear to a cabin for 6 months or so. Bring James, some books, my camera, a couple of kayaks (apparently in this daydream I have some money to spend), our cribbage board. Basically venture into town for food and head straight back. To ponder, to write, to daydream, to enjoy the quiet... to live simply and to heal, this is a dream that will have to wait.

(deep breath)

I need a vacation

Life could really use a pause button. Or possibly an intermission, providing us a chance to relieve ourselves of the toxins before jumping back in for the rest of the show.
Yes... I did just somehow say I want to pee out my frustrations.
If that isn't a cry for help, I don't know what is.

:)

Music Mondays - Team Peeta!

I spent the weekend obsessively reading The Hunger Games Trilogy. IF you haven't read it yet, pick it up now. Then sit and talk about it with me. I'm slowly lifting out of my Fiction Fog, which is bittersweet. In honor of (ok, pathetically attempting to hold onto) the story, today I post a song that could easily be the theme song of the Mockingjay film. Plus, I heart Muse. ;)

Muse |MTV Music

Music Mondays - a strong link

I miss singing in the round

Good morning Virginia Beach!

It's so nice to meet you...

:)

Music Mondays- Walking on Sunshine!

That's right... I'm walking! No crutches! No Boot! Huzzah!

Today I felt like these girls on the inside.... especially Lea Michelle on that last note ;)

30 things to do before I'm 30:

I truthfully did not have a huge melt down upon turning 29. Ok, I had one major concern about my future and that good ol' biological clock, but other than that I feel pretty satisfied with where I am at currently. I have done and seen more in my 20's than many will get to accomplish in a lifetime. I am pretty blessed. What really inspired me to make this list was spending nearly 5 months of the last 15 months without the ability to walk or work. Having so much time fly by with limited ability to enjoy it has driven me to accomplish more in this last year of my 20's. I do not regret the things I have not done, and I am excited for the adult changes that will inevitably come with my 30's. I simply think this is a transitional year that will provide opportunities both for fun and for change. Plus... 30 by 30 just has a great ring to it. ;)

So without further adieu, my list:

1. Purchase a pair Warby Parker Glasses
2. Drink a cold Sam Adams while looking at a "cold" Sam Adams
3. Go to Wilmington and take cheesy photos :)
4. Take the trolley to Doyle's
5. Attend an author signing
6. Skate at Frog Pond
7. Work through my french text book
8. Attend one of Boston's quirky brunch options
9. Check a new state off the list
10. Complete the Independent coffeeshops of Boston list (4 down, 9 to go)
11. Hug James as much as possible!
12. Decide my next career path
13. See Grace Potter & the Nocturnals in concert
14. Run a full 5k
15. Photograph the Polar plunge
16. Send more letters and cards
17. Own a pair of TOMS
18. Cook Julia Childs Poulet au Porto with Artichokes & hollandaise sauce (successfully)
19. Sing along with Carols by Candlelight at Trinity church
20. Watch the Godfather trilogy
21. Surprise someone
22. Take the girls to the Zoo (it keeps eluding us)
23. Enjoy a trip with James that does not involve work, school, or anybody we know!
24. Learn how to whistle loudly
25. Make good use of my library card
26. Swim in Walden Pond
27. Spot a classic Boston celebrity
28. Camp @ Boston Harbor Islands
29. Complete the Walks of Greater Boston list (including the North End bakery tour. nom).
30. Be tumor free!

Music Mondays - Teaser

Seeing as I am poor this year, I will again be sending out some music to my friends this holiday season. This song has just been placed on my new mix. Enjoy, and let me know if you want to hear the rest next month ;)

blerg.

blarg.

Muse-ic Mondays

There are few things that satisfy me more than coming across a new song that stops me in my tracks. I described this on Facebook as a song that makes me catch my breath then sink into a soulful stupor. I miss music. I miss singing and spending a large chunk of my life at live shows. I have (slowly) been growing more content with a simpler life, which includes buying less music and attending less concerts. I admit, this is painful at times. However, through the self control of not buying any album that catches my eye, I have found joy in finding "that song". A song that inspires me, a song that momentarily changes my environment, be it blurring out the madness or enhancing the beauty of my surroundings. Limiting what I can buy has helped me hone the ability to seek out something more beautiful. I find this inspiration online, through friends, stopping to observe people playing for free in the parks, or often scoring my favorite shows & films. My iTunes is slowly becoming reliable when I turn shuffle on... I'm sure some of you understand what that means. :)

My most recent find is Laura Izibor, a 22 year old powerhouse from Dublin, Ireland. Her music is beautiful. Just listening to her makes me want to go be creative, pronto. She is currently guest starring on One Tree Hill, and I assume she will be the next artist picked up on the fictional record label of the show. OTH is not known for being the highest quality show on tv (which doesn't stop me from loving it), but I would have to say I respect it's use of music more than any other show I have seen. If you are looking for good music, just check out: http://www.oth-music.com/




To see her performance of this song on the show, I have also posted the following:

Food Coma

In addition to this lunch, this weekend has given me the opportunity to consume:



(but with Butternut Squash Ravioli, since we couldn't find any of the pumpkin variety)


Also, tonight we made Spaghetti with Shrimp & freshly made pesto, as well as homemade Pecan Pie ala mode.



My belly is happy. Yum.

Decisions, decisions

I have been asked by many people how it feels to be 29. Did I freak out? Not so much. Did I feel old? In the big picture, I'm not even close. The best answer I can come up with is that I felt ready. Ready for what, specifically, I still can't answer satisfyingly.

I am ready for change. I am ready to focus. I am ready to talk about when I want a family (though not nearly ready to have one). My biggest push, which covers all of the above, is that I am ready to think about what I want to do with my life, and how to best accomplish that. I am vague, I float, I have many interests. Therefore, being ready to make a choice is both liberating and terrifying. Yes, liberating might sound like a strange word to describe an outlook on life that is more open/free, but I find it can be a trap. Without focus, I have limited my potential, which becomes glaringly obvious every time I need to find new work and must start from scratch. However, I feel I am working towards a happy balance. I am teetering on options that will both provide me with a career, but keep my options open to wherever life takes us. I love my job now, but a nanny is not a career. These adorable girls will get older, the need for me will diminish. While this position has been wonderful, I know that I need to take steps forward now so I will be ready when this season ends. Thankfully, it is a job that is flexible enough for me to work towards another career while I continue as a nanny. I am blessed for that.

Here is my dilemma... which path to take?

1. Enroll in a nursing program to become an RN. This is an idea that has danced within my subconscious for many years. I have been drawn to the idea of the job but never thought that an opportunity would arise. With James in school, it didn't make sense to even approach the idea. After my first surgery, as I was job hunting, I began to peruse the courses I would need to take. I finally mentioned my thoughts to James, and he was in full support of the idea. I enrolled in my first prerequisite and emerged with a nearly perfect score. There was a sense of pride, a joy in learning something that could make a difference. My interest grew stronger.

Pros: In many ways, this is a safe bet. School, certificate, job. This field has a demand, there is stability, the pay is solid. My hope would be to eventually work within Pediatrics. I love children, I am good with them, and I feel it would be a place that I could serve others. I see a deep need for nurses who care, and I have been told that is a common problem. For the future, there are also many positives. When James and I finally do start a family, schedules are flexible. The benefits are fabulous. There are many avenues within nursing. I could use my knowledge and skills in so many different positions; hospitals, schools, private practices, etc. Our future locations are uncertain given both James's future as a Professor and our desire to work overseas. Nursing would give me opportunities both locally and abroad. I would know where to look, and I could stick with this job (however it manifests) until I retire, should I want that. It just makes sense.

Cons: Starting from scratch is scary. That is simple. I worry about entering into a program and investing my money without knowing how I will perform. I worry that i will struggle emotionally with the position as I can be far too empathetic. I am not sure if my fear of needles will hinder me. It figures that literally nothing makes me squirmy (vomit, bodily fluids, disease, etc), but one tiny needle can make my heart pound. Perhaps I will get past it... perhaps it will be my achilles heel. I have always struggled with my health and while that helps me understand patients, I also worry how well I would hold up against the germs. All what ifs', I know. Silly as it is, my biggest fear is the regret of turning down my other option.

2. I have considered going full-time with my photography. That has obviously been a desire for years. I feel that I have come into my own over the last few years, but I can't progress any further unless I take the plunge. I know what my limitations are, and going full time would free me up to push further. I have found a few small business courses. I have found workshops to attend. The idea excites me.

Pros: This is something I know. I could love it. I have experience, and I'm pretty good at it. I feel with some education I could be... legitimate. The investment would be large, but potentially so would the pay off. I would be my own boss and not deal with much of the BS that I find in most jobs. I could fully tap my creative side and fewer things bring me more joy. I technically could do photography anywhere. My schedule would be completely flexible. In the future, with a family, it would smoothly line up with the schedule of a professor.

Cons: Starting a business is not safe. It is a lot of money to invest without knowing how it will come back. I would enjoy learning more about my passion, but likely never get to learn another one. Transitioning to another city/state/country would not be impossible, but it would be very difficult. It would be completely irresponsible to invest that much money into something unstable before James is finished with school and has his own steady job.

My main concern is that I do not want to romanticize these choices. I have more people tell me to go with photography, but that tends to come from the more "sparkly" perspective. It's trendy, it's artsy, and I would get a lot of great toys. Trust me, that appeals to me, but I want to leave that out of the mix. I think both are important, both can be fulfilling. Frankly, I know that I may not have to choose. I could easily do nursing now, and go back to photography full time in the future, when I have learned a new skill and I am financially more stable. It would not be so easy to do both the other way around. Realistically, if I had a thriving photo business, I don't see myself going back to school. So I ask myself, do I take advantage of this opportunity to learn now something new and valuable now, or do I pass it in order to build my current talents sooner? Will I regret benching my creative side for the time being? On the flip side, would I deeply regret missing my chance to learn something new while I still had the time/means?

Truthfully, I think I already know the answer. I just needed to talk it out.

Grrr. Sigh. Etc.

Music Mondays - guest DJ

I am ssuuuuuuuper excited to tell you that, thanks to my mom, I have taken on a job/been given a gift that has payed for a flight to Virginia Beach next month! Woooohooooo! I am very excited to spend a weekend with my friend Jessica. We will chill. We will cook. We will drive to Wilmington and indulge the giddy teen inside of us. Also, I'm sure we will listen to A LOT of good music. Jessica shares my deep and eclectic love of music, so in honor of the good news, I have asked her to choose today's Music Monday tune. Jessica loves this song because of it's funky vibe, and recommends playing it while making something delicious in the kitchen. Don't mind if I do!

In other fantabulous news, my trip to the Doctor this afternoon was quite successful. My splint has been removed, I get to wear my boot, and I have started 25% weight bearing. I will be building upon that over the next few weeks. My next appt is on November 15, and at that point I should be cleared to walk without crutches and start my strengthening exercises!

Today and got to gimp around and enjoy the crisp, fresh, autumn air. It was well with my soul.

Will work for sanity!

Yes... I'm too tired (in everyway) to even retype this, so I'm posting a screen shot:




Life is hard. I'm totally willing to make yours easier... for a small sum. :)

Donations are also accepted. But why not get something out of it?? ;)

KBS
(Keep Briana Sane)

To Sir with Love

For those who don't know me well, they might find it odd that my most loved and excessively used nickname for James is something as formal as "Sir". It is typically spoken with a slight lisp and a very large grin. I myself thought is was one of the more random habits to have surfaced, until the fateful day I revisited this video:



Again, for those who do not know me well, I would like to clarify I do not find my husband akin to Rasputin. I just really really love Bartok the bat. I quoted him a lot in college and it brought me great joy. Upon making this connection, I realized my calling him Sir meant that I was so happy, I brought out one of my favorite quotes without even being aware of it. This makes me smile. :) It also tempted me to respond to misunderstandings with "oh sure, blame the bat, what the heck", but I think I will hold off on that for now. ha!

For our one year anniversary, James bought a journal for us each to update every year. It is where we write it all down. The better and the worse, our hopes and our fears. We are only a few years in, but already I enjoy reading through our yearly expressions and seeing how things have change, how we have grown. I am a bit behind this year with everything that has happened, so I have been thrilled to have this time where I am forced to rest. I have sat, focused, reflecting, and enjoying every moment of it. I realized as important as it is to write the thoughts for each other, I don't always want to stop there. I have been reminded lately how much I cherish what I have with James, and how rare that has become. I would like to take a moment to say publicly what I say at home everyday... I love James, more than anyone or anything in this world.

I love that James is my family. For me, the word family has mostly been laced with pain and bitterness. When we got married, I breathed a sigh of relief that WE were a family, and for once that word was so sweet. Our home is a place where each is safe; safe to love, safe to struggle, safe to be imperfect, and safe to trust the other to redirect when needed. Though our attempts are nowhere near perfect, we try to remember to put each other first instead of fighting for what we want ourselves. That simple question of "how can I serve this person" is not how we are naturally geared, but the more natural that comes, the less headache comes with it. :) I love knowing that James is here. He is present. I love that we can have our own traditions. I love that he is not afraid to break off from his old life and make our family OURS. I love that we each play our own roles within our marriage, and that we are learning how to respect and value those roles equally. I love that I don't like sleeping without him there next to me. I am excited for our family to grow... even though I don't want that for a little while longer ;) ha.

I love that James is my best friend. I love that he encompasses those things that are the most important to me within friendship. Honesty, open communication (even if it's awkward), support, and accountability. I love that he can make me laugh, really hard, and consistently. I love that there is not a thing in the world that I can't tell him. I appreciate that he knows when I am being silly just to make him shake his head at me... and promptly shakes it with a straight mouth but a glint in his eye. I love that we can dance like muppets around the kitchen. I love that he doesn't let me win any game we play AND that he is not a sore loser considering how often I kick his trash at scrabble. I love that I can sit in silence with him in the car, for an hour, and feel at peace. I love that he lets me dream while he keeps his feet on the ground, and I love that with that balance we can make those dreams come true.

I love that James his own person... and that I have remained mine. Naturally marriage changes people, there are traits within each of us now that older friends are not sure what to do with.... and I'm perfectly ok with that. However, we still know who we are. I enjoy that we can take trips solo, indulge in separate hobbies, and essentially hold on the IMPORTANT pieces of ourselves from our past. You know, those things that drew us together in the first place? ;) I love that we can disagree. I love that after all these years we can debate, get flustered, and hold on strong to our differing opinions... and then give each other a kiss. I like that I can tell him to stop being a turd, he can tell me stop being so sensitive, and we know we will each still stubbornly be ourselves... but try to ease up a little. I love that we have balance. It's what makes us successful in many ways. We can be our own people while still respecting what we have together. We can respect our separate interests while keeping our life together the main priority. I am beyond blessed for that.

I love that James is a good man. I am beyond blessed to be married to someone as honorable as him. James is honest. If integrity could ooze out of someone, I would recommend a good majority of the world to come touch him and hope it rubbed off. He is hard working, and that word almost doesn't do him justice. James has one of the most respectable work ethics I have ever seen. He comes across harsh to many, even myself at times. A practical man, he is characteristically calm and matter-of-fact. There are times this drives me bonkers... then I remember it's just what I need when I am in a fury of passion or sentiment. I love that James has mature priorities, and I love even more that he sticks to them. He is responsible. He has taught me so much. I love that he is tender, but reserves that for those who deserve it. He is choosy with who he lets into his life, and he protects me from those who have not deserved their place in mine. I love that he is confident, but not above reproach. I love that he doesn't put up with bullshit. I love that I need to stop myself here or I will go on forever.

I love James. I just figured it was time to let you all know what I meant when I said that. :)

Oops... I did it again

I had a very believable dream dream that I blogged, so I completely forgot to update. Wooooops. :)

I have so much to update. The last of my VERY late "what I did this summer" stories, surgery updates, etc. I have a few things to do, but I'll be back throughout the week!

Music Monday- Legs & loves

Thanks to Jen and my lame leg, I was able to enjoy one last game at Fenway this weekend. The fact that it was closing day, sox/yankees, and the sox WON, made it that much sweeter. I enjoyed hearing this song one last time as Papelbon walked out to close the game and bring the sox a much welcomed/celebrated victory.



I was stuck between this and Dirty Water, but I realized that being the week of my surgery I needed to include that song that best summed up EVERYTHING... so the lyrics "I lost my leg" naturally won over. Lastly, the clips of Boston in this video make me happy. I love Boston. As confirmed while watching The Town this week, after just over 1 year living here, I am so in love with this city that I am proud and giddy when I see it get the love and attention it deserves.

Music Monday- Burgers & Squash

I post this because:

1. I have recently introduced the girls to Silly songs with Larry, and they LOVE them.
2. The only way to get a song out of your head is to pass it on. :)

Remiss...

...is mine middle name

I have not been giving my blog much lovin' lately. I guess I feel it deserves a nice time of relaxation before I start writing a ridonculous amount of entries while on crutches.


.

Stories, videos, and musings to come... soon.

MUSIC MONDAY- stuck

Dedicated to my hubs ;)

Pretty in Pink... and blue!

How cute are these girls? I mean seriously... I can't even handle it




Also, since I missed music monday yesterday (I was just too tired), here is a cover to make y'all a little nostalgic. :)
Just ignore the cheesy graphics. Apparently the people who like this song have not gotten very creative. ha!

Today, life is good

Deep breath.
Hold.
Sigh.


:)

Breaking Point

Today, I reached my breaking point. Through the planning, the focusing on the good parts, the trying to tell my family/others why it's not that bad, and everything else, I have not allowed myself to feel. Today, with one bump to the ankle, I felt everything. That moment of pain brought every experience back to me: the surgery, the pain, the restlessness, the frustration, the fear, the falls (klutzy people do not belong on crutches), the financial anxiety. On top of that came the new information: this could keep happening over, and over, and over. I have been asked what else I can do to lower the recurrence rate. Sadly, my options are not good. Bone cement could cut through the bone into my joint, and I would be limited in activities for the rest of my life. Chemo... it's chemo. The side effects are endless. So we go into this surgery just hoping to be part of the other 50% who are healed after the bone graft, and pray it will be the last time. These were the thoughts and images that rushed to my brain upon that moment of impact this morning. So I wept. Uncontrollably. It was that gasping, semi snotty, face contorting blubbering where you are too embarassed to see yourself let alone let anyone else see you. Despite that, I ended up finding James because I couldn't stop. I love James. Very much. He let me sob and tell him how much I didn't want this until it all worked out of my system and simply held me and told me how he understood. I needed that. I realized how much that has been missing.

I know I can't expect people to react the way that I need. I just am feeling baffled and lost when it comes to the responses of so many people close to me. I have gotten everything from the indifferent ("bummer" and "well isn't it easy the second time around"), to the cliche ("god is in control" and "others have it so much worse"), or even having someone express how much it will effect THEM (apparently my pain is just too painful for someone ELSE to experience). I don't need anyone to fix this for me... I'm a fixer, I'm a planner, I can hold my own and honestly, nobody could work these details better. I don't need to be told to be reminded that I'm not a child soldier or that at least it's not cancer. 1) I am familiar with other people having WAY worse crap going on in the world. The big picture is not a mystery to me. 2) Why yes, I have considered the fact that benign is better than malignant. 2b) However, cancer or no cancer, bone tumors eat away your bone until it's so weak it could crack in half while I was walking down the street, and leave much of the rest hollow. So yes... it's still a big deal. I am also 100% aware that God has a plan, God will take care of me, and anything else people care to share with me about God. I have a relationship with the Lord, he & I have been down this road before, and I trust all of that. I just don't like it, and choose to tell God that. I don't think that God has a problem with that, so perhaps everyone else should be ok with that too. I get that I have been through this before, and even said myself that recovery will be more manageable this time around. That doesn't make this any easier. That doesn't make it any less of a stress or a burden. In fact, in many ways, I don't see how people don't understand a second time is not going to be better. It's worse... IT'S BACK. AGAIN.

I don't know what it is. Maybe people don't know how to respond. Maybe people are selfish or not listening. Maybe some people have smaller IQ's than I care to admit. Maybe people think I deserve it. Likely all of the above.

I guess right now I just need to be allowed to feel. I have been through my fair share of bullshit in life, I am handed that end of the stick, I know how to get through it. I'm not always graceful, but I make it, and I'm proud of it. I just am tired of being told how to see things, how to feel, how to react. I know better than most of you because I know what I'm facing, and I know myself. So I guess, selfishly, for now, if you can't let feel this, experience this, and scream a bit through the emotional rollercoaster of these next few months, I ask this:

Please just shut up and leave me alone. You are no help.

Unlike this guy... he is a huge help:



A baby mini hippo. Be still my heart.

FMLTW (this week)

I am pretty sure that I should never have admitted to being able to see the positive side of things. I feel like ever since I publicly expressed those words, the world has taken that as a challenge. Tumor is mocking me. I got crazy sick and had to call off on one of the worst days possible. Today was my first day back after both the announcement of the tumor and having to call off. This is the day that Kate decides that it would be a good idea to step onto my ankle (precisely over my tumor), and then proceed to launch off of it. I now have to spend the next few days icing, taking it as easy as possible, and then hoping the pain goes away by Monday. If not, I have to get more x-rays and make sure the weight didn't cause a fracture or anything else and have to move up my surgery. That has no silver lining.

What I need now is people to tell me funny stories, send me funny pictures, or remind me that my birthday might actually be fun this year. On that note, I found out the museum we are going to on my birthday has free wheelchairs. Lame, but completely awesome. No pain on my big day. :) Yay!


And now something to make us all smile:



I think I need to call on him to help me out tomorrow!

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Last night I felt sick. Very very sick. Headache, muscle pain, fatigue, abdominal cramps, nausea, and so forth. I was up throughout most of the night. After a total of 4 hours of sleep pieced together here and there, I am sitting up in bed, typing away, as I couldn't waste another minute trying to sleep. Symptoms are less severe but still very much alive and kicking. I'm bummed I feel this way and am not having my special Allie day today. Blerg. James... well he is James and thinks people shouldn't call ofo work unless they are on their deathbed, so he is likely a bit grumpy with my being home. I'm currently alternating between grumbling at God and then just laughing at my life.

I'm unsure how this happened. There is a pretty good chance it's from an unfortunate raw chicken cutting board/knife meets innocent veggies incident on Sunday night. After reading and talking to some friends, I am aware there is also a good chance my body flipped out from stress of my upcoming surgery, since I have not let my brain do that yet. I don't want to mope, or wallow, or anything of that sort. However, I think it would be good to slow down today, to take in everything that is happening. I need to momentarily mourn the things that deep down I'm sad about. I still need to process the fear that I have going into this next season. As I said to a friend last night, even David yelled at God. I'm sorry God, I know you have a plan, but today I plan to let you know I neither understand, nor do I like it. In the end I will trust it, but today I merely ask "WHY"?

Despite what I have said above, I again feel the need to explain why these are still some of the best of times:
1. Even though I feel like I am a bit of a burden right now, I have a wonderful job that I love
2. James has begun his last year in the this Brandeis program. He is doing well and next year is looking promising. Also, he is a truly great husband. Also, I think with some practice he could be America's Favorite Dancer. Triple Threat!
3. I live in Boston. Need I say more?
4. I have far better friends than I need or deserve. They are kind, generous, thoughtful, and I love them very much
5. Thanks to the internet, the Muppets are available to make me laugh anytime I need

And that's only the beginning...

Eat, Pray, Loathe

Ok, I will admit it, I do want to read the book. However, this quote REALLY made me laugh.

"I was gonna watch "Eat Pray Love" but realized that if I wanna see rich, self-righteous women, who travel the world "to find themselves" and not actually help anyone, I would just drive around south Orange County."

Lately I have spend\t a lot of time thinking about the things that we romanticize here in the US. It troubles me what we consider to be important, ideal, and successful.

The Rain Cloud

So, as I stated yesterday, I am choosing to focus on the silver lining. I can handle the cloud. The cloud is big, the cloud is getting in the way of many things, but I can handle it. However, in the spirit of being honest, there are a few times a day where a little pity rain will fall from that cloud and splash me in the face. They typically are easy to move on from, so I am allowing myself to soak them up for a moment before stepping out of the rain. Here are a few droplets...

*I love the Fall. I have been looking forward to fall returning ever since last January! It is my favorite season and this is the best place to experience it. As this season is creeping in, I am now having to limit my activity in order to make it to the surgery. I then will spend the rest of the season with my leg up. Basically my rest starts now

*James and I had been planning our first real vacation (non-working, non-family), aside from our honeymoon, in 6 years. I love to travel, I love spending time with him, and yet we simply have not had the means to take even a weekend away together. We were supposed to go to Montreal over the holidays to snowshoe, frolic, and just BE. I'm deeply sad to be losing that opportunity.

*We have just now stabilized financially from my LAST surgery.... I was excited to finally spend $ once in awhile without feeling guilt! Now I'm back to wondering if I ask for living essentials for my birthday/christmas and sad that I can't seem to find a time where I can just go to the movies or buy those hilarious baby manatee socks without great debate.

* I was enjoying jogging. Needless to say, that will be put off for awhile. ha!

*There is also that pesky "don't put your foot down for a few months" thing.


So I soak it in, step out of the rain, dry off, and try to look at the silver lining again. I think this will happen daily for awhile. I'm hoping That will change though. Especially when I remember things like my new excuse to use the motorized shopping carts.
Weeeee!

Every cloud has an aluminum lining!

If I could think of the biggest thing that I would thank God for besides James and this whole "giving me life" thing, I would have to say it is my ability to laugh no matter the circumstance. I am human, I have my meltdowns, I can live in a stressball fog, but overall I can smile, I can laugh, and I can find that silver lining. My current giggles come as I chat with Mary Ginty over IM, wowed by crutch carry on pouches and price comparing the Elasto-Gel Crutch-Mate I.

That's right folks. I am currently planning for another 1/4 of my life to be spent on crutches, and for the return of the infamous "das boot" (thank you Stephen). My tumor has returned and I will be heading into surgery on October 6. While I deeply wish that this was not happening, I am already finding that my cloud is as silver lined as it could possibly be when a future of clacking around on those damn aluminum sticks is heading my way.

To begin, I have been through this before, so I know what is coming. I have time to prepare, and I know HOW to prepare. We won't be leaving 5 days after surgery to drive everything we own across country. I know that I will have work once I am better. I already know how to use crutches, so awkward hospital crutch teacher man won't have an opportunity to look at my butt while he helps tie my gown and assumes my husband didn't catch what he did. See! All good things. ;) ha!

I am very blessed with amazing friends. Jen Smith has generously agreed to come live with us during my recovery and cover me at work. This makes me so happy because I love the girls and want them to be in good hands! It also will be nice to have someone to spend time with during this next venture into gimp life. My email inbox has already been flooded with offers of food, help, support, and visits. My employers have been very understanding. I love the people in my life. :)

I currently am making my lists of projects, movies, books, etc, that I have not had time for this year. I figure that should help the "lost" time feel somewhat worth it. I am open to suggestions. :) Times like this I thank God that I am a planner. I feel confident that this time will go smoothly. I feel worse about taking time away from my job than I do anything else within this situation, but even that seems to be coming together the best it can. Within 24 hours of my tumor being confirmed, so much has come through. My lists are growing: paper work to fill out, insurance/disability questions, shopping to be done. I do not think the next few months will be easy, but I know it will work out.

The fear does creep in from time to time. The surgery itself and the week after was one of the most miserable times of my life. However, I know that time will pass. I will adjust to having to fully wake up in order to safely crutch to the bathroom in the middle of the night. The weight eventually does start to come off once I start walking again. Finances will be extremely tight but as always we will get by. And so on, and so forth.

I have been asked many questions, and likely will get a few more after this. I plan to answer them. However, I first plan to watch a movie and take a nap. :) For those who were wondering, check back later and I'll share more.

Music Mondays- respect his authoritah!

‎"I think that parents only get so offended by television because they rely
on it as a babysitter and the sole educator of their kids." - Trey Parker and Matt Stone, Creators of South Park

Music Mondays- Rain Rain, don't go away

I love rainy weather. I have said it a hundred times, but there is something about a grey sky that brings me joy. It should be no surprise that one of my favorite artists to provide a soundtrack to a drizzling day is the fabulous David Gray. I have played him for you all before, however, considering the weather and my broken heart over missing him live last week(tear/groan/sigh), it seems the time has come to revisit his lovely music.





I try to not repeat artists frequently, so I have added a bonus song, that also is fitting with the wet, the calm, and the joy of my day. I adore Priscilla Ahn. I saw her open for Alexi Murdoch a few years back, and she is enchanting on stage.



Whose music embodies your feelings towards a rainy day?

Me want cookie

How to have a successful lazy afternoon/evening

1. Put on yoga clothes (stretchy and comfy!)
2. Read the funnies
3. Given James a hug
4. Eat ice cream while watching Haven
5. Tell James he should really make the dinner tonight!
6. Eat dinner.
7. Convince James to massage my shoulder
8. Finish watching Haven while uploading most recent photoshoot
9. Check Facebook
10. Chat online
11. Edit photos while watching 30 Rock.
12. Get more hugs
13. Upload photos while watching MORE 30 Rock. :)
14. Listen to David Gray
15. Go to bed!

Music mondays- return from vacation!

I took the day off from life on Monday, and it was greatly needed. I had originally planned to post videos by both Ray Lamontagne and David Gray this afternoon, as I had tickets to see them in concert tonight. However, life took over, and I made the painfully responsible choice of selling them. I ended up with a hefty profit, so that is encouraging. My night was spent chatting with friends over beers at the local pub. Not too shabby. I know this concert will never come around again, but I am learning to be content in life as I try to be a good steward. I find myself frustrated these months of letting go of many special plans. However, I trust that things will improve. Until then, I can be content with the simple joys in life. Like Cookies.

Music Mondays- Mixed Feelings

While I typically am not a fan of the content of his lyrics, I don't think it can be denied that Eminem is extremely talented. His most recently album even seems a bit more mature (so far). I like his most recent single, Love the Way you Lie. I feel that is breaks down the thought process of many couples who are stuck in abusive relationships, and I respect that. However, I am disappointed when I think of how many people do not see that this is a message about how damaging they are. Eminem and Rihanna are not naive... they know more people will buy the record because of the "sick hook" and are aware of how many people will use this song to identify with the reality of abusive relationships in unhealthy ways. So are they really teaching people about the dangers of abusive relationships, or are they irresponsible in their handling of this song and glorifying the subject? I understand that Rihanna wants to send a message about Domestic Violence, but her lyrics/the TITLE of the song are the only words many people pay attention to, and are the most misleading... I like the way it hurts, I love the way you lie... This is what I take issue with. While I agree Eminem "cleverly breaks down the cycle of violence "(rihanna), it is the hook and the beat that set the tone for listeners. They will hear Eminem say "Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk", but not catch that he intentionally raises his voice to a disgruntled yell as he says it. Somehow the admittance to lying in his apologies is taken as something he does out of a twisted love, rather than the character simply being twisted and disturbed.

Overall I think this is a great song. Do I think Eminem was being apologetic and thoughtful in writing it? Sure. Do I think he intended to write in a way that would provide instant buzz, and was aware of the ramifications of this song in the hands of his more ignorant fans? Of course. I love it for the music and the conversation it can bring about. I hope that enough women who need to be free of Domestic Violence will have someone who can use this as a tool to speak some wisdom & compassion into their lives.

On another note... I don't like seeing my hobbit in the role of abusive bf. Also, I judge myself just a little for thinking he still looks hot. ;) Drop the booze and pick up a jar of peanut butter Charlie!!!

Music Mondays- No regrets

I love this song:



Which reminds me, I need to watch this movie again soon:

Music Mondays - Dixie Love

I forgot about this song until it popped up on an old mix last week. It's a good song to belt out in the car. :)

*** removed video because it wouldn't stop turning on by itself! Look up Dixie Chicks "Not ready to make nice" online to view!

How I spent my summer vacation pt2

Upon my return from California, I had one day free to relax, 1 day back at work, and then I picked up my friend Mary from the Airport! Woohoo!!!! :) Here are the highlights from her visit:


Day 1: Mary came in to work with me. We spent the afternoon hanging out with Allie, then spent the evening in Harvard Square.
I can't find photos... so just believe it was awesome! ;)


Day 2: Ula Cafe, Sam Adams (attaining the illusive step 4 glass, huzzah!), BPL, Copley, the Public Garden, dinner and exploring in the North End. It was a full day, our feet hurt, but our hearts and tummies were happy!




Day 3: Mary and I spent the day in South Boston. We started with a visit to the ICA. I normally only find contemporary art museums to be so-so, but I LOVE the ICA. Plus, the exhibits by Roni Horn were pretty darn fabulous. We then took in a delicious lunch at the Legal Test Kitchen. My watermelon/arugula salad and clam chowder hit the spot. I want more now. mmm.
After lunch we took a tour of the Harpoon Brewery. Harpoon beer is delicious, and the tasting session at the brewery is like none I have ever experienced. 10 beers on tap, all you can drinks. Aaaaaaaamazing. Mary and I had picked up a variety of pastries at Mike's the night before and left them in the jeep for the right moment. We ended our day outside the ICA (where we parked), eating pastries on the deck overlooking the water. Just as we were finishing, I noticed a pretty incredible cloud creeping around the building, then realized it was getting dark. Moments later, everyone on the deck started screaming and running towards us. Everything went dark, the cloud swirled around us, and the whole group of strangers crowded together atop the the highest step on the desk. Once we realized we were not going to die, sitting out the storm was pretty enjoyable. :) I later found out the storm ripped trees in half all throughout the city. Thank God we were in the location we were when it started, our original plan would have put us a mile away from our car with no shelter. ha!




I had so much fun Mary, thank you for coming!!!!!! I hope to see you again soon. :)

Got Cojones?

You see I know change

I see change

I embody change

All we do is change

Yeah, I know change

We are born to change

We sometimes regard it as a metaphor

That reflects the way things ought to be

In fact change takes time

It exceeds all expectations

It requires both now and then

See although the players change

The song remains the same

And the truth is

You gotta have the balls to change

-Vinnie Jones

Because anytime is a good time for Izzard

Music Mondays- sexy cover ;)

For today's song I must promote this cover of George Michael's I Want your Sex, performed by the incredibly talented Chris Mann.

I met Chris in Cinque Terre when backpacking Western Europe with Huffy, Kelly O'Dell, Belinda V, and a few other wonderful ladies. We will always fondly remember singing on water noodles with Chris and Franc D'Ambrosio, and joining them with our Fabulous Sherpa Byron as we detoured over to Lucca.

Sigh. I miss Italian adventures.

Pass the video around if you like it (and you should), and look him up on iTunes. :)

Soup, soup-a-doop, soup-a-doop, sooup-a-doop-a-doop-a-doop!

So I am once again indulging in my homemade soup obsession. I could eat soup nearly everyday and be completely satisfied. I love soup. Love love love the soup. I am not picky, I love soups of all shapes, sizes, ingredients, quantities (though often the more the better, nom). As we are in the middle of a New England summer, many would say that I need to wait until fall to return to my soup cooking tendencies, but to them I say "Open your eyes! Use your imagination!". Or I can tell them to purchase this fabulous new book that I tracked down recently. I decided it was time to get serious and stop looking at Real SImple recipes whenever I actually remembered to, so I searched the cookbook stacks until I found teh perfect book for my needs:





Holy Cannoli! Or maybe I should say Holy Minestrone! This book has such a wide variety of soupy deliciousness for my belly. I like to make a point to cook something new on Sundays, so this book catered to that idea as well. I'm such a sucker for marketing. However, this really has been worth the money. The book is split into seasons,both to fit the weather and the seasonal vegetables. I love being able to head to the local produce store and pick up large tasty veggie or fruit for a healthy and scrumptious meal. The book recommends breads and sides that compliment the soup. Basically it is heaven in a book.

Something I really love about soups is that they are simple, but they can be very impressive. People become so stuck in their chicken noodle/miso/tomato/french onion, that adding a few simple ingredients can suddenly make the meal seem more grand and creative... but it's still so easy! Maybe I shouldn't have admitted that. Oops.

So far I have tried two of the recipes from the Summer section. Today was the Summer Squash Minestrone with Pistou. Lighter than it's winter counterpart, this soup features zucchini, yellow squash, tomatoes, and a handful of pasta. I made a homemade provencal pesto that was stirred into the soup. We ate this with toasted sourdough bread. Mmmmmmm. My first attempt was Chilled Cauliflower Soup with Bacon & fresh Dill. This soup was perfect for the warm summer days we have been (um) blessed with lately. The bacon is added in at the end so this recipe is vegetarian friendly. We paired this with a crusty wheat loaf and a salad of arugula, tomato, avocado, and homemade vinegarette. James has already said that he is sad there are so many, because they are so delicious but he knows there is not enough opportunities to repeat them. I then challenged him to remember his favorites and surprise me with them after work during the week. :) Maybe I forgot to mention... in exchange for spending money on this book, I have to commit to making them on my own every week. However, he does the dishes, so I got the better end of the deal. Booya!

Ok. I have yabbered on enough. I encourage any soup lovers out there to buy this book ASAP!

¡Viva España!

My random thoughts during the World Cup Finals:
- Tad had the funniest reason to support Spain
-I feel that somehow my Toro de Osborne tank top somehow helped the team today, despite the fact that some turd bucket snagged it from me years ago and I couldn't wear it to the pub today
-Both Goalies are kicking some serious rumpus and should be proud
-I can't look at Carles Puyol without expecting him to pull out a guitar and start playing a Queen song
-I think James should play soccer. Yum.
-Hey, that guy kinda looks like James. Yum
-The dutch look like inmates
-Really people? I don't look that pathetic when I take a fall, and I'm a wuss...
-Then again, I don't get stomped on by cleats
-What is it with the major hits to the chest in world cup finals? youch.
-Why did I drink this much beer in the afternoon, I want to nap now
-Geeeeeet it in... geeeeet it in
-I could never run this much.
-If James ends up sterile (and I hope that is not the case), perhaps Iker Casillas Fernandez Jr will be our future son. I'm sure he wouldn't mind helping a couple in need
-People who say this is not a real sport are immediately placed on my "stupid as poop" list
-I want Spain's coach to be my grandpa
-What is written on his undershirt?
-The Oracle Octopus was right!!!

How I spent my summer vacation pt1

So summers are not the same as an adult, but I have still managed to cram in a few fun days here and there. I am RIDICULOUSLY behind, but I need to start somewhere. Here is a taste of my trip to CA in May:



I took a working vacation and headed back to California. Our trip was anything but relaxing, however, I had a great time. Upon landing we met Steph for lunch, and I then headed over to Huntington Beach for a quick baby shoot. Sadly I did not have enough time for a full shoot, but I got a few decent shots of the cutie.



From there, I stopped off at the YMCA to see my old kids. They have gotten WAY TO BIG, and they of course quizzed me on their names the moment walked in (insert opening music to Under Pressure here). James and I FINALLY got on the road and headed to Vista to see Chelsea, Dieter, and new baby Annabelle. wee! After making a quick stop at the Rainbow Outlet (my first time, my first pair, I was giddy), we arrived at the Gratz's adorable home and spent the evening catching up and (gently) bouncing baby annabelle. :)




After a much needed night of deep sleep (apparently Anabelle cried a lot, I had no clue), we said our good byes and headed back to HB to meet up with our carpool buddies, Stephanie and Stephen. We shared a very enjoyable ride up complete with In-N-Out. Oh how I have missed in-n-out. There was a happy reunion of many old friends at Brandon's wedding rehearsal. I got to scope out many great sites for portraits the next day. James took time to play with the fish eye lens that he is obsessed with (and was highly disappointed I wouldn't let him use it for shooting the wedding. sigh. oh james). We then spent the evening with my sister Beth and brother-in-law Michael, and enjoyed El Cid chips & salsa. mmmm. real mexican food.




Saturday was ... well... a wedding! Busy, beautiful, stressful, intimate, crowded, joyful, and everything in between. I was SO impressed by all of the details of this wedding, and few things bring me more joy than watching a dear friend commit to the person they love. Plus, I had a wonderful reunion with many loved ones. Mark, you need to get married soon so we all have a chance to travel together and hang out again soon. But no pressure or anything ;)












Sunday I woke up in Bakersfield, had breakfast with the in laws, then headed downtown to have a much needed visit to Spectre ;). Jen, GMar, Huffy, and I met up at Alisa's new home and enjoyed a sleepover filled with yummy food, tshirt making, marathoning shows, and great conversation. We somehow only managed to take one photo the nearly 24 hours we were together (which baffles me), but I have a few good memories that will stick with me no matter what. :)




Last but not least, James and I stayed our final evening in Orange County. We had dinner with the Coopers and met Oscar the wonderpooch, and spent an evening relaxing with Kelly and Sophy a my old home in Orange, playing Mexican Train.



Needless to say I was EXHAUSTED when I arrived home and wished for a vacation from my vacation! However, all in all, the trip was fabulous and I am so happy it all came together.

Music Mondays- return of an old musical "friend"

I have been listening to Sarah McLachlan since I was old enough to make a conscious decision of what should play in my cassette player. ;) My sister and I "discovered" her as fumbling towards ecstasy was about to explode on the radio. We stumbled upon her playing a free concert in Central Park and fell in love with her music. I know there was a time when she became a bit overplayed. She also fell to the curse of Canadian women having a beautiful song attached to a cheesy romantic drama. Also, she has proven in interviews to be short a few bricks. :) However, through it all, I have continued to love and appreciate her talent. I also enjoy that James LOVES her. So I just purchased Laws of Illusion recently for our anniversary. Here is my favorite track so far:

I love my friends

"There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the pointless drama and people who create it, and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus on the good. Life is too short to be anything but happy."


Here's to focusing on the good! :)

Music Mondays- music meets comedy

I have adored Zach Galifianakis since Out Cold, but this video solidified my love. Plus, Fiona Apple is brilliant.



Enjoy