I'm free!!!

So as emotionally distressing as this week has been for me, I'm feeling a bit better every day. The weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, and it is almost like I can breathe easier. Today I made myself laugh as I sang the chorus of this classic tune, and I thought I would share it with you all today. ;) ha!

cuteness!!

My friends Chelsea & Dieter just had a baby! isn't she adorable????


:)

It's a good day!

Just another manic monday

I have realized that while I made a commitment to blogging on Sundays, I tend to not get around to them until Monday. :) It is usually at some point later Sunday evening that I remember I never blogged, start heading to blogger, remember my Monday's don't start until 2:30pm, and then decide to choose sleep. I wish I would remember to choose sleep more often during the week!

I have a big week coming up. After signing off of this post, I will be eating breakfast and diving into my class. The fact that I enjoy a math class is beyond me! :) I hope to be left with a little time to clean, to prepare for work this week (3 back to back 11 hour days ahead), and of course fit in preparation for my LOST themed 365 photo tomorrow (nerdy but awesome). Late Thursday night I will be picking up another visitor at the airport! I have been so blessed in this, I still average a visitor per month. Upon her departure, I return home to likely do laundry and scramble before another week begins. Life is busy, and has been a bit emotional lately, but in the midst of this all, I am continually finding myself at peace... or at least taking steps towards that.

While I am not one to quote scripture a lot, I have been thinking about Phillippians 4:6-8 recently.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God7.And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

This week has caused me to think a great deal about this peace that passes all understanding. I realize many may disagree with what I am about to say, but I do not feel like this always means that you will suddenly find yourself in this happy or peaceFUL trance despite what is going on around you. What is it that causes us to believe that just knowing God will make life easier? I was in a situation where found myself with a knotted stomach, a broken heart, and yet in the midst of that I had a peace. I'm sure this description does not sound like a way to define peace, but it was there. My pain was not magically lifted because I made a wise but difficult choice and God suddenly thought I deserved to not experience the natural response... I just don't believe that was part of his nature. I began thinking about how the decisions to direct your life towards v.8, and to choose to not only attempt to think upon those things, but also surround yourself with them, will not cut out the pain. In fact, getting there means taking a harsh look at yourself (never enjoyable), and often making changes that are seriously uncomfortable. That peace I spoke about was one that I truly could not understand... how am I feeling so calm and at ease over something that is simultaneously breaking my heart? I realized I was experiencing a deep sadness, but not an overwhelming anxiety. I was mourning the outcome of my situation, but also felt a release knowing that it helped me take a step towards truth.

Does this make sense to anyone else?

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I think this applies to friendships as well. My sister recently posted the following quote:

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.” - Anatole Frances.

This is a beautiful and painful part of life, as long as I can remember to choose personal growth over extensive wallowing. I have done (and continue to do) serious evaluation of my life given this new opportunity I have in Boston. Much of my time has been spent taking a deeper look at my relationships, as I have spoken about recently. One step at a time, I am choosing healing. Sometimes that may be in the form of nurturing those that show potential and a desire to grow, which can be a both a freeing and very humbling experience. Also, I find myself slowly releasing those which have not responded to my attempts over the last few years. This does not mean shutting people out, but I am forcing myself to sit in the truth and be aware of the reality which I live in. I am having to face both the selfless and selfish reasons I have continued my efforts, even when the results have consistently been unfruitful. I know that for every part of me that loves the person and genuinely wants the best for them, there is another side of me that loves what they were in my life, and I am afraid to forget that... even if that is all they have become; a person who knows my past and will take a piece of me with them when they fade into the distance. I have to ask how may people I try with because I am too stubborn for it to not work out. With others, I have been too stubborn to let it work out, and am realizing how silly that it. Foolish foolish pride. My current mantra should be "I am not a savior to some, nor am I owed anything by others". No matter the outcome I am seeking, I have to learn to let go.

I feel like I am going through the 5 stages of grief, but instead of acceptance, I find myself detouring to resignation and I am left uneasy & unsatisfied. I am trying each day to remind myself that acceptance, like forgiveness, is not a quick decision we make one day that chases our pain away. I need to choose consistently choose to be at peace with the ways things are, and to learn from that. Loss is not necessarily good or bad, it is simply a part of life. I am trying to remember the exquisiteness within the melancholy, and look forward the new life I am entering.

It's 3am, and I'm blogging

I ended a lovely weekend with a headache and a bout of insomnia, but I am choosing to put a good spin on it by being productive! I have caught up on my 365 postings and thought I would give my blog a little lovin'.

I am not big on Valentine's day, but I do love birthdays, so this has been a pretty great weekend ever since James came into my life! :) This weekend was an extravaganza to celebrate the birth of the hubbs! Saturday we went to an Irish pub on Moody st (the restaurant row of waltham). After being happily stuffed with fish, chips, and beer, we headed to the Agganis Arena to enjoy a BU hockey game. James loves hockey, and I enjoy people getting slammed into things... he filled me in on what was going on in the mean time. hehe. I really enjoyed the BU arena, and the team has an obscene amount of championship banners, so we knew before the game even started that we were in for a show. Today we walked to the Cafe on the Common and spent a few hours chatting, studying, and enjoying warm beverages. Some new friends live just around the corner, and they ended up joining us for a few more hours, we chatted until the place shut down. :) We came home, I made Zuppa Toscana for dinner, and we caught up on The Office and HIMYM.

I give this weekend an A. It could have gotten the + if it were not for the damn sleeplessness. I think the search for a new thyroid specialist needs to jump to the top of my to do list. Sigh.

Happy Valentine's Day to Me!

Ok, so it came early, but here is my gift from James! He is both sneaky and fabulous. I had no idea this was coming. :)

I Love LOST

Sunkday

Sunday Funkday. I am in a funk.

Today I had a brush with reality that I generally like to avoid. I received a piece of good news, and because of the tone of my voice upon reading it, James immediately assumed that it was about a specific friend. When I asked why he assumed it was about that person, he said it was the tone I always used for them. I realized something after... that is the tone I use for people whom I feel deeply blessed to share my life with, whom I trust completely, and , do not have lingering feelings of pain over. They are people who are so kind & thoughtful that I can't help but use that tone (filled with unadulterated joy) when something good comes to them. I also realized I have used it very rarely these past few years, to the point where James can narrow down who I am speaking about in an instant. This also made me think about how I am far less stressed being at such a distance from most people in my life. This was followed with admitting yet again that the bulk of my overall experiences within my friendships before moving have given me no desire to be social here.. and not because I have enough already, but rather I do not want to put myself through it all again.

Needless to say... I am bumming out. I am happier and more at peace now within my current situation, so I know I will bounce back soon. It is just hard not to dwell on this from time to time




I have posted this before... but a reminder is always good

sick

very very sick