I have not felt like updating much. It is hard some days to find that balance necessary to write something blog-worthy. Often times, I know mine are not, but up they go anyways! I have been chugging along on my goals, and have had visitors, but it feels strange to post on those things right now... almost lacking in authenticity, for though they happened, they do not accurately describe life in the bigger picture at this time. There have been moments of confusion, pain, and an overall slap in the face by the unfairness of life, but again, that doesn't tell the whole story (and I'm tired of complaining).
Life is sharp and overwhelming. That same cold & crisp air that refreshes me is also unpleasantly piercing my lungs when I push myself (or more frequently, am pushed by circumstance) a bit too far. To quote one of my favorite recent reads, "What I need is the dandelion in the spring". Hope. All that jazz. Trust, that I am growing, that there is something deeper underneath all of this. Something that I can't quite place, and maybe I never will.
I'm purposely a bit vague here. My prayers and desires have been a bit muddled, but as they become more clear, I am wary to share them publicly. I'm growing more protective of myself. To my benefit, or to my detriment? That I will have to wait and see.
I recently paid a visit to my Dr after a few weeks of migraines (which I have never had), and the return of many of my thyroid symptom. My blood work results are pending, but the biggest concern from my Doctor was a bit of a surprise. She was concerned about my "heart". I freaked out momentarily, then she clarified that she meant my emotions. She was worried that within the season I am in, I simply didn't (and I guess, still don't) have the support that I needed. The bloodwork was a precaution, but she is mostly curious how I'm functioning emotionally. Considering this, she won't be surprised to hear that a vacation, time spent just enjoying life with a sweet husband, helped exponentially. However, this also addresses another concern... that as supportive as he is, James is not enough. At this point, I didn't have much of a response, nor a solution to offer. The little consistent support I do have comes at a distance. They do what they can over the internet, but sadly, that can only go so far, especially when coming from so few. I know that not everyone is geared to make an effort, but sometimes I feel like that is an excuse for laziness & selfishness between friends. When only 4 of the 25 people I asked to show some support by posting on my photo blog/FB... it's a bit pathetic. Answering the same question or sharing the same piece of information about James's school plans/goals month after month grows tiring. Knowing friends read blogs I have posted about going through a bit of a depression and then purposely avoiding it in conversation is simultaneously insulting and laughable. Having friends stay with you and witness your hardships yet ignore them (or make them worse)... that's hard to recover from.
It sounds conceited, but at times where I need active support, I wish that I could clone myself. Or at least teach a seminar to my loved ones. It sucks when you pass on their info, help them network, plan for them, or simply take the time to research something big in their life in case they need help... and find others rarely able to click a "like" button on my business FB page, (forget clicking share)... because that's too hard. I know I can be a lot to handle. But, in these simple needs that the distance asks for, or the small requests for support/encouragement after very difficult back to back seasons, I just don't think a little effort is asking too much.
I have felt exhausted socially many times in life. That's nothing new. I'm just not used to it getting so bad that my Dr. notices it's effect on my heatlh. I do not really know where to go from here. I know I don't have much left to give right now, and am at a point in life where I'm not struck down by guilt giving my time where it is not needed. I guess I just wish the support would swing this way for once, in a tangible way.