Monday, February 15, 2010
I think this applies to friendships as well. My sister recently posted the following quote:
“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.” - Anatole Frances.
This is a beautiful and painful part of life, as long as I can remember to choose personal growth over extensive wallowing. I have done (and continue to do) serious evaluation of my life given this new opportunity I have in Boston. Much of my time has been spent taking a deeper look at my relationships, as I have spoken about recently. One step at a time, I am choosing healing. Sometimes that may be in the form of nurturing those that show potential and a desire to grow, which can be a both a freeing and very humbling experience. Also, I find myself slowly releasing those which have not responded to my attempts over the last few years. This does not mean shutting people out, but I am forcing myself to sit in the truth and be aware of the reality which I live in. I am having to face both the selfless and selfish reasons I have continued my efforts, even when the results have consistently been unfruitful. I know that for every part of me that loves the person and genuinely wants the best for them, there is another side of me that loves what they were in my life, and I am afraid to forget that... even if that is all they have become; a person who knows my past and will take a piece of me with them when they fade into the distance. I have to ask how may people I try with because I am too stubborn for it to not work out. With others, I have been too stubborn to let it work out, and am realizing how silly that it. Foolish foolish pride. My current mantra should be "I am not a savior to some, nor am I owed anything by others". No matter the outcome I am seeking, I have to learn to let go.
I feel like I am going through the 5 stages of grief, but instead of acceptance, I find myself detouring to resignation and I am left uneasy & unsatisfied. I am trying each day to remind myself that acceptance, like forgiveness, is not a quick decision we make one day that chases our pain away. I need to choose consistently choose to be at peace with the ways things are, and to learn from that. Loss is not necessarily good or bad, it is simply a part of life. I am trying to remember the exquisiteness within the melancholy, and look forward the new life I am entering.