I am ready for change. I am ready to focus. I am ready to talk about when I want a family (though not nearly ready to have one). My biggest push, which covers all of the above, is that I am ready to think about what I want to do with my life, and how to best accomplish that. I am vague, I float, I have many interests. Therefore, being ready to make a choice is both liberating and terrifying. Yes, liberating might sound like a strange word to describe an outlook on life that is more open/free, but I find it can be a trap. Without focus, I have limited my potential, which becomes glaringly obvious every time I need to find new work and must start from scratch. However, I feel I am working towards a happy balance. I am teetering on options that will both provide me with a career, but keep my options open to wherever life takes us. I love my job now, but a nanny is not a career. These adorable girls will get older, the need for me will diminish. While this position has been wonderful, I know that I need to take steps forward now so I will be ready when this season ends. Thankfully, it is a job that is flexible enough for me to work towards another career while I continue as a nanny. I am blessed for that.
Here is my dilemma... which path to take?
1. Enroll in a nursing program to become an RN. This is an idea that has danced within my subconscious for many years. I have been drawn to the idea of the job but never thought that an opportunity would arise. With James in school, it didn't make sense to even approach the idea. After my first surgery, as I was job hunting, I began to peruse the courses I would need to take. I finally mentioned my thoughts to James, and he was in full support of the idea. I enrolled in my first prerequisite and emerged with a nearly perfect score. There was a sense of pride, a joy in learning something that could make a difference. My interest grew stronger.
Pros: In many ways, this is a safe bet. School, certificate, job. This field has a demand, there is stability, the pay is solid. My hope would be to eventually work within Pediatrics. I love children, I am good with them, and I feel it would be a place that I could serve others. I see a deep need for nurses who care, and I have been told that is a common problem. For the future, there are also many positives. When James and I finally do start a family, schedules are flexible. The benefits are fabulous. There are many avenues within nursing. I could use my knowledge and skills in so many different positions; hospitals, schools, private practices, etc. Our future locations are uncertain given both James's future as a Professor and our desire to work overseas. Nursing would give me opportunities both locally and abroad. I would know where to look, and I could stick with this job (however it manifests) until I retire, should I want that. It just makes sense.
Cons: Starting from scratch is scary. That is simple. I worry about entering into a program and investing my money without knowing how I will perform. I worry that i will struggle emotionally with the position as I can be far too empathetic. I am not sure if my fear of needles will hinder me. It figures that literally nothing makes me squirmy (vomit, bodily fluids, disease, etc), but one tiny needle can make my heart pound. Perhaps I will get past it... perhaps it will be my achilles heel. I have always struggled with my health and while that helps me understand patients, I also worry how well I would hold up against the germs. All what ifs', I know. Silly as it is, my biggest fear is the regret of turning down my other option.
2. I have considered going full-time with my photography. That has obviously been a desire for years. I feel that I have come into my own over the last few years, but I can't progress any further unless I take the plunge. I know what my limitations are, and going full time would free me up to push further. I have found a few small business courses. I have found workshops to attend. The idea excites me.
Pros: This is something I know. I could love it. I have experience, and I'm pretty good at it. I feel with some education I could be... legitimate. The investment would be large, but potentially so would the pay off. I would be my own boss and not deal with much of the BS that I find in most jobs. I could fully tap my creative side and fewer things bring me more joy. I technically could do photography anywhere. My schedule would be completely flexible. In the future, with a family, it would smoothly line up with the schedule of a professor.
Cons: Starting a business is not safe. It is a lot of money to invest without knowing how it will come back. I would enjoy learning more about my passion, but likely never get to learn another one. Transitioning to another city/state/country would not be impossible, but it would be very difficult. It would be completely irresponsible to invest that much money into something unstable before James is finished with school and has his own steady job.
My main concern is that I do not want to romanticize these choices. I have more people tell me to go with photography, but that tends to come from the more "sparkly" perspective. It's trendy, it's artsy, and I would get a lot of great toys. Trust me, that appeals to me, but I want to leave that out of the mix. I think both are important, both can be fulfilling. Frankly, I know that I may not have to choose. I could easily do nursing now, and go back to photography full time in the future, when I have learned a new skill and I am financially more stable. It would not be so easy to do both the other way around. Realistically, if I had a thriving photo business, I don't see myself going back to school. So I ask myself, do I take advantage of this opportunity to learn now something new and valuable now, or do I pass it in order to build my current talents sooner? Will I regret benching my creative side for the time being? On the flip side, would I deeply regret missing my chance to learn something new while I still had the time/means?
Truthfully, I think I already know the answer. I just needed to talk it out.
Grrr. Sigh. Etc.
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