I recently paid a visit to my Dr after a few weeks of migraines (which I have never had), and the return of many of my thyroid symptom. My blood work results are pending, but the biggest concern from my Doctor was a bit of a surprise. She was concerned about my "heart". I freaked out momentarily, then she clarified that she meant my emotions. She was worried that within the season I am in, I simply didn't (and I guess, still don't) have the support that I needed. The bloodwork was a precaution, but she is mostly curious how I'm functioning emotionally. Considering this, she won't be surprised to hear that a vacation, time spent just enjoying life with a sweet husband, helped exponentially. However, this also addresses another concern... that as supportive as he is, James is not enough. At this point, I didn't have much of a response, nor a solution to offer. The little consistent support I do have comes at a distance. They do what they can over the internet, but sadly, that can only go so far, especially when coming from so few. I know that not everyone is geared to make an effort, but sometimes I feel like that is an excuse for laziness & selfishness between friends. When only 4 of the 25 people I asked to show some support by posting on my photo blog/FB... it's a bit pathetic. Answering the same question or sharing the same piece of information about James's school plans/goals month after month grows tiring. Knowing friends read blogs I have posted about going through a bit of a depression and then purposely avoiding it in conversation is simultaneously insulting and laughable. Having friends stay with you and witness your hardships yet ignore them (or make them worse)... that's hard to recover from.
It sounds conceited, but at times where I need active support, I wish that I could clone myself. Or at least teach a seminar to my loved ones. It sucks when you pass on their info, help them network, plan for them, or simply take the time to research something big in their life in case they need help... and find others rarely able to click a "like" button on my business FB page, (forget clicking share)... because that's too hard. I know I can be a lot to handle. But, in these simple needs that the distance asks for, or the small requests for support/encouragement after very difficult back to back seasons, I just don't think a little effort is asking too much.
I have felt exhausted socially many times in life. That's nothing new. I'm just not used to it getting so bad that my Dr. notices it's effect on my heatlh. I do not really know where to go from here. I know I don't have much left to give right now, and am at a point in life where I'm not struck down by guilt giving my time where it is not needed. I guess I just wish the support would swing this way for once, in a tangible way.
But that is life isn't it?
12 comments:
*sigh* why do we feel like this at the same time? :) You do not know how much I appreciate you, and how happy I am that I've gotten to come visit so many times. This weekend was sooo needed for me, and hopefully you feel the same. You're great. We'll get through this. <3
You are naturally exempt from all of this ;) you are awesome. But I'm pretty sure you knew that :)
ps- I like that you already knew all this before I posted it
I <3 U... :)
<3 u too :)
Bri sweetheart... I hate that you are going through this and that I am one of the 25 people who couldn't figure out the FB photography page. I consider myself pretty internet savy, but for whatever reason, the innerworkings of FB are beyond me... but not anymore! I'm gonna figure that darn thing out and make sure I get you all the publicity you want!! :) I love your blog dearly and have felt a connection to you over the past year, as I followed along. Please forgive me for not giving back in a tangible way. I know how important tangible support is, and how hard life is without it! TRUST ME! I live 15,000 miles away from 99% of my tangible support. So, once again, please forgive me! You are so special and I only wish we were closer and could ACTUALLY spend time together instead of blog stalk each other! haha
Love ya!
Jill
Oh Jill, you of all people shouldn't worry about it. :) I have felt a ton of encouragement just sharing our bog life together! My difficulty has come from a lack of tangible support from people I used to spend quality physical time with. I know it comes in waves/seasons... I just have bit shocked and dismayed by the recent drought.
I do know you understand the need of support from a distance. Honestly, sometimes just reading your blog is encouraging knowing that someone understands, and also that I haven't had it NEARLY as rough. It gives me good perspective. :)
But that is life isn't it?
I'm not so sure. All the people I love the most live more than 981 miles away from me. Each day is a painstaking effort in trying to live my life without them. Facebook, twitter, blogs; are all so unreal to me. (The least of these blogs, but still...)
I got a voicemail from Mikey last night, the entire message was him in a British accent begging me to call back because he was tied to an electric chair and every minute I didn't call he was to be tortured. (He escaped, jumped off a railing and his brains spilled out on the floor - thankfully he scooped them back in). But really that's not my point, my point is what can I do about it?
I'm still in the red (DEBT) - have been since graduating college - and buying plane tickets or paying for gas is so hard to do these days. I want to see my family, my brothers - my sisters. I want to see my best friends. (OOoohh I know a way to bring them all together! But only for a day...)
My heart longs for anywhere but here, and I don't know what to do about that.
I'm rambling...
I feel you James. Or maybe I should say I understand you. The first one sounded slightly inappropriate. hmmm.
:)
I think what makes the difference is what people do with the distance. There are still plenty of ways to support people without being physically present (though that really is the best). The fact that you get voicemails with british accents must be an encouragement in some way? :)
I know we all can't afford to be present, but I wish more people helped and supported each other they ways that were still possible. Too many people forget about their friends once they are not physically present, or when they can't do something for them.
That, it seems to me, is just life. And it sucks.
I hate and have to agree with you.
I feel challenged to bridge that gap in some way or form. And more than with the typical phone call. With James it's school, with AJ it's children and with Mikey it's work; and many times I don't get past that. And sadly more often than not these conversations happen less than once a month.
What will it take for any of us to be supportive? Who are we called to be in and through all this?
I have an idea of a few answers, but will I follow through with them?
I hope so.
I love you Bri girl! I wish i could fly out there right now and spend some time with you and give you a great big hug and we could just cry!!! I'm missing you tons! As soon as i can figure out tumblr (as i've ben trying to figure out for some time) i'm on it!
Life is crazy sad when it feels like no one is there. Its been 6 years since i moved back in town and i just recently I've found people i feel like i can call up and go to coffee with. But i still doubt any of them would stop to think of me to invite to anything. (besides my mom) Life is tough. WE'll get through this together.
<3 you
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