Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Some days, a song can save you...

This is one of those songs. The kind of song that makes you want to stand alone, with falling snow kissing your lifted face, and simply breath. deeply. I apologize for the delay, though whatever I would have pulled out of my hat/rear on monday would not have meant as much as this song does.

This week has been heart breaking and cathartic. I have grown so tired. Times have been hard before, but there is something different this time around. Something very personal and difficult to explain. There are moments I can speak of, pain and revelations that I have shared with my closest friends. I have, inappropriately at times, publicly aired my frustrations through a variety of mediums. I have unashamedly given in to, nay, welcomed a murky world view... I felt I was drowning in that half full glass which I was desperately clinging to.

While hoping to not sound overly cliche, I have been a stubborn and terrified wanderer on an arduous spiritual journey. A journey where the guide seems bent on breaking me, or possibly just insisting I finally admit I'm broken. I have put up a good fight. I have stuffed my emotions until they finally started escape through the cracks. I questioned my sanity when trite television dialogue would make me weepy, but written it off as fatigue. Turns out I was not completely off base... I am tired. So very tired. Tired of disappointment. Tired working so hard at life with little visible pay-off. Tired of questioning the validity and value of my relationships. Tired of the pain of letting go. Tired of the contempt our society holds for each other. Tired by the knowledge there are people more worse off then I, tired that I can't sufficiently help them, tired of the fact that I often lose site of them. Tired of misunderstanding. Tired of my broken body. Tired by reality yet exhausted by those who can't acknowledge it. Tired of watching those I love be overlooked. Tired of being wrong. Tired of being right. Tired.

What I ask for are explanations and resolutions, but what I really am searching for is meaning. That is as clear as I can be. I don't know what I want, but I know it is more than this. I don't know what is coming from being broken and can only trust that I'll be stronger. But trust is hard. Trust is terrifying. Trust is something I am wary of granting, something incomprehensible during times of wretchedness. Times could be better. Times will be better. But I fear the better because I dread the loss.

I struggle with God. Not in His existence, but rather what I'm supposed to do with that, with knowing Him, with this relationship that is so unclear. I'm angry with God, even though I know my anger is misguided. At times I wish there was such a thing as Karma, life would be simpler than. I could believe that in my next life I will be a Muppet and the douche bags of the world will be stink bugs. I think that would make life a bit easier. Sadly, I do not believe that we know God because He makes our life easier. In fact, I'm sure he doesn't. One could argue that I don't know how much easier God has made my life, but face it, God did not force a fair existence upon us (thanks-ish). As much as I was "informed" growing up that my goodness will "add more jewels to my crown in heaven", I don't believe heaven is a place where people have bragging rights, and frankly, I've never been one for jewelry. But that promise of peace... that peace is something I desire now, and am still unsure how to procure it, or even understand it. I seem to find it in fragments.

Yesterday, it was in a pine cone. More specifically, the pine cone sitting in the base of my "christmas tree stand". A pine cone found by my husband, on our hunt for holiday decorations. A pine cone whose potential existence was the reason for James to get me bundled up and outside, out of my bed, and to stop my tears. It was something I could work with, something I could make beautiful and useful, and in that I found peace. Throughout our search, we also may have ripped a huge branch off of a tree at a nearby school, to fill in as a Christmas tree in our home...but that's a story for another day and another topic. :)

Today, I find peace in a song. As it washes over me, I stare at the pine cone and find hope in the reminder that I have someone to take me by the hand and help me stand tall. I think for now, that's all I can do.

"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair"
- Mumford & Sons


Jenny said...

I love this friend, and can totally relate. Written so so beautifully!

Jill said...

Sweetheart... I've been there! TRUST ME, I've been there! I love you and think you're remarkable beyond words!

PS You are such a great writer!