Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Crisis of Faith?

Warning... today has been a bit much... welcome to my ramblings.

This morning, my roommate and I were discussing how unfortunate it is that we sometimes can't separate an actor from the roles they play, and how one inevitably taints the other. Sara could not enjoy Katherine Heigl in any roles for awhile, because she associated her with someone who cheats with a married man. I started to seriously dislike Lucas on One Tree Hill because he is a douche in real life. Or perhaps you even like the person, and their character, but the mess around them makes you cringe?

I have discovered God, in a strange way, is my ruined celebrity right now. I find myself avoiding Him because his followers drive me crazy. I am constantly saddened and embarrassed by the ignorance, complacency, and selfishness that I see in the church. Let me take that back... I have not seen it inside the church so often lately, but more like when we escape it's walls and are living out our every day lives.

I feel horrible, because it is not by any fault of God that I am pulling away. I in no way doubt what I believe to be true about Christ, and what I have found i the bible. I am simply so sick of His name being attached to the ridiculousness around me that I almost cringe when I hear it spoken. This is not how it should be. I need to find a church and be connected into a community that reminds me that there are people out there who believe and put into practice the teachings of Christ. I need to be reminded there are others who feel this ache and who want more. I need to know people are just as embarrassed as I am. I feel a bit alone and lost in all of this right now. I get angry and realize it is only covering the confusion and disappointment, so I try not to let it bubble over too much... although then I hit times like these where I feel near panic attack over the question :"WHY!?". Why are people like this? Why do people not CARE about those less fortunate. Why do people not care about those around them beyond what those people can do for them? AND... why do people think they are so much more caring simply because they are Christian? When did people forget a large portion of "becoming christian" is essentially saying "I suck and I need help" (to put it ever so eloquently). AND WHO decided that we are somehow better, more talented, more giving, more selfless than others in this world, simply for admitting we need a higher power and believing in it? When did we forget that EVERYONE is made in the image of God, and EVERYONE has beauty/talent/value... I am ranting. I know. I am just so tired of it all.

I feel like I am in some twisted religious monopoly game where everyone is trying to just do the best for themselves, outsmart everyone else, show no mercy, and God is nothing more then a Get Out of Hell Free card that people keep tucked away for when that time comes. I'm tired of playing :(

I miss having peers who care about the same things that I do. That actually care, don't just hear stories and say "aw buddy" or "oh boo" or "that's the world we live in". I have so few left in my life that truly want to not just see a difference, but make a difference. I know I am nowhere close to alone in this.. i just wish I could be around people with the same passion.

Through is all, I know God is still there. I don't doubt it. In fact, it makes me see our need for Him even more. I just am having trouble separating Him from all the bullshit. It isn't fair, it isn't wise, and I will find my way back... I always do. I just don't know what to do for now... ugh.


Valerie Geary said...

so well put... thank you

supercommonname said...

yuppity yup.

Sarah Green said...

Bri, can I just say how proud I am of you and this post? I hope that some of what you are feeling is a reflection of the years we (Joe, you, me, etc.) spent together, and hopefully did "right".

I know I feel so many of the same things as you. I ACHE to be a part of a group of peers who feel the same about life, this world, and how we as Christians need to be. I, too, am so dissatisfied, and embarassed. I LOVE the monopoly analogy - I, too, am done playing.

I wish we lived closer. We could at least have each other to try to live this out with! I heard a message by Bill Hybels the other week, about "Holy Discontent". It was a challenge he put out to people in the church who are sick and tired of things being the way they are, and challenged them to not self-medicate, but to do something about it. It's a challenge to me, honestly. Life, for me, is a whirlwind, and I feel I have so little left to give. But I so desperately want to. That would be my challenge to you, too - as a friend and old mentor.. :) What can you do about this discontent that you feel?

I want to say again how proud I am of you. I see a true, genuine woman of God who is passionate for more than baby food Christianity. You are amazing, and I miss you.

Love you girly!

Alisa Marie said...

I feel you. Tad and I haven't been going to church recently either. And it has made me feel guilty. I thought it was because maybe i couldn't wake up in time, but I'm sure its more this reason.

Tad and I both feel this way (well, i can't speak for him) but we seriously need to find some non-judgemental Christian friends. Thanks for putting words to my thoughts.

We need to live down the street from eachother. like now.

Love you. Lets talk.

Moore Musings said...

I like this down the street idea. Move to Boston, there are 3 buildings in my complex! Even better :) hehe miss you