Warning... today has been a bit much... welcome to my ramblings.
This morning, my roommate and I were discussing how unfortunate it is that we sometimes can't separate an actor from the roles they play, and how one inevitably taints the other. Sara could not enjoy Katherine Heigl in any roles for awhile, because she associated her with someone who cheats with a married man. I started to seriously dislike Lucas on One Tree Hill because he is a douche in real life. Or perhaps you even like the person, and their character, but the mess around them makes you cringe?
I have discovered God, in a strange way, is my ruined celebrity right now. I find myself avoiding Him because his followers drive me crazy. I am constantly saddened and embarrassed by the ignorance, complacency, and selfishness that I see in the church. Let me take that back... I have not seen it inside the church so often lately, but more like when we escape it's walls and are living out our every day lives.
I feel horrible, because it is not by any fault of God that I am pulling away. I in no way doubt what I believe to be true about Christ, and what I have found i the bible. I am simply so sick of His name being attached to the ridiculousness around me that I almost cringe when I hear it spoken. This is not how it should be. I need to find a church and be connected into a community that reminds me that there are people out there who believe and put into practice the teachings of Christ. I need to be reminded there are others who feel this ache and who want more. I need to know people are just as embarrassed as I am. I feel a bit alone and lost in all of this right now. I get angry and realize it is only covering the confusion and disappointment, so I try not to let it bubble over too much... although then I hit times like these where I feel near panic attack over the question :"WHY!?". Why are people like this? Why do people not CARE about those less fortunate. Why do people not care about those around them beyond what those people can do for them? AND... why do people think they are so much more caring simply because they are Christian? When did people forget a large portion of "becoming christian" is essentially saying "I suck and I need help" (to put it ever so eloquently). AND WHO decided that we are somehow better, more talented, more giving, more selfless than others in this world, simply for admitting we need a higher power and believing in it? When did we forget that EVERYONE is made in the image of God, and EVERYONE has beauty/talent/value... I am ranting. I know. I am just so tired of it all.
I feel like I am in some twisted religious monopoly game where everyone is trying to just do the best for themselves, outsmart everyone else, show no mercy, and God is nothing more then a Get Out of Hell Free card that people keep tucked away for when that time comes. I'm tired of playing :(
I miss having peers who care about the same things that I do. That actually care, don't just hear stories and say "aw buddy" or "oh boo" or "that's the world we live in". I have so few left in my life that truly want to not just see a difference, but make a difference. I know I am nowhere close to alone in this.. i just wish I could be around people with the same passion.
Through is all, I know God is still there. I don't doubt it. In fact, it makes me see our need for Him even more. I just am having trouble separating Him from all the bullshit. It isn't fair, it isn't wise, and I will find my way back... I always do. I just don't know what to do for now... ugh.
I’m doing WHAT with WHO?!
4 months ago