I'm leaving for Oakhurst this afternoon to spend a final weekend in my stepDADs home, pick through childhood tokens to bring back into my life or choose to discard, and in many ways say good bye to the town I was raised in. My mother already left over a year ago, the home I was raised in has been sold, the pets have been relocated. That was a strange reality to deal with, but Chuck still had his place. Now he is moving and I have no place to call home in my hometown. I am beyond happy for him, for know with him there is no loss... he will be my daddy wherever he is in this world! However, I have many bittersweet feelings about letting go of this little town. Nearly every innocent memory of my life happened there. I have so much pain associated with that town in my later years, but there is not a street or center or park that does not hold at least a flash of memories. All the wishes and efforts I have been pushing back are now sadly hanging their heads as I may have lost my chance.
Upon hearing the news, I had a flash flood of thoughts pass through my mind...
-Will I ever have another El Cid, where people smile and simply bring out my order because why waste time with menus?
-Will I ever take James to watch fireworks over the lake from under a blanket on "the rock"... share my favorite childhood memory...
-Will I have any reason to step into the churches that raised me and gave me a chance at a whole life (given the state of my broken family)?
I know that I can go back... not having a house in this little town does not mean I can never return. However, I also feel that this move is pressing me to finally let go completely. There are reasons I left. There are reasons my dad must go.
My home now is a tiny place that I share with James, my new family. He is my home.
But... I continually ask myself...
How do you let go of your past without feeling like you are losing an important piece of who you are?
Perhaps I'll have that answer soon