Friday, August 22, 2008

rumbly in my tumbly

My relationships with people are the most important thing in my life.   My efforts... their motivations are naturally mixed. Some of it out of genuine love for people. Part of it stems out of my own insecurities. But I truly do care. Frankly, Im surprised God didnt form me with a funny tattoo on my belly and tiny heart on my bum (hoping most of you get the reference). I have learned a lot through my marriage (and the year leading up to it) what I value in relationships the most. Im slowly learning boundries... very slowly, and usually the hard way. I did a relational experiment this year, and while most people thought I disappeared because I was a newlywed, the truth is I was still fairly social... I just decided to hang back and see who would call. Those who showed actual follow through in the first few months are the ones whom I now spend my time with. For those relationships that I was obviously keeping afloat... I have stepped back from. I did not have the energy left to maintain so many "friendships", and I came to redefine that word over this past year. This was a tough period in my life, and I was depressed for many months, but I came out much stronger. I have not left those people behind completely, and I still will meet up with them when asked, but I doubt those relationships will ever be as strong as they once were... or at least were perceived to be. 
 I came to a painful realization today...  I can't wait to start over. There are so many friends and acquaintances that I am truly going to miss whenever we move on. However, I yearn for a day that I can form new relationships knowing what I know now. I know I will have some dear friends who will keep in contact. I know there are people who love me but will fall away... which is sad, but a part of life. Then there will be those who I believe want to be a "good" friend, but for some reason can't be... and it's time for that separation to happen.  I do know that I have a hard time accepting the state of those relationships when I am near (geographically). I can not let go. I feel great guilt about them. Even now, I judge myself as I feel relief just thinking about the chance to escape that pressure.   
 I am currently up writing this blog because I am too filled with anxiety to sleep.  I literally am lying bed with a pain in the pit of my stomach... a rumbly in my tumbly... not from normal hunger, but a much more pressing desire. I am craving the support, understanding, and grace that I have shown many times over, but rarely request in return.  I realize that many of the frustrations I have in my relationships are my own doing... I have set a standard in my relationships, and now that I am trying to raise that standard, I don't think people know what to do with that.  My expecting better in return is being viewed as my not being a considerate or tolerant  friend. It makes sense. I set myself up for this long ago.  I can smile through almost any circumstance, and can forgive most any situation... I can be rid of the anger and resentment. People just don't seem to understand that the pain does not go away with that. I am not one who will forget. There is a difference between releasing anger and remembering the hurt. I will put on the emotional oven mitts before touching a hot situation again... I will always be aware of the first time I burnt. 
I do not mean to say that I want to run away and leave my relationships behind. I'm doing my best now to be genuine and grow in those that are important to me. I just look forward to having an opportunity to building a few with much stronger foundations.

I want to focus on on a few people, to not spread myself so thin. I truly have changed during my time in SoCal... honestly, most people I know love me for who I was. Bits of "crazy Bri" are still in here... but it's time for Briana to live her life. She loves her husband and is learning to put him first. She prefers quality over quantity now. She needs time to herself. And while it terrifies her, she is learning not allow herself to be devalued. She bit by bit is learning to love herself.

She also apparently talks in the third person now. She will work on this.  :)


Kyle Ray Booterbaugh said...

It reminds me of my parents, they hardly have any friends and I used to think how sad. But now I understand that the friends they have are much stronger and these people will be there for them.

I have also discovered in my marriage that 99% of the time I would rather be alone with Colette.

As far as the third person, I wouldn't worry about it too much. It wasn't an "I'm insecure so I talk about myself" third person. It was a "self awareness" third person. Much better.

catbonny said...

I wish I had a really great response to this, but I also think the only thing I can say is that growing into different friendships and having different expectations from our friends is a part of the whole growing up process...

I totally support your need to love your husband and live your life, to stop being just the entertainer and the crazy one, or the friend that is always there for someone. It gets old.

I think that part of me knows that my friendships with people have changed and I don't feel like I need to keep as many as I used to, and another part of me just asks people to accept what I can give while I try to do the same for them. I don't know if that makes a whole lot of sense, but I feel like sometimes it helps me with things.

Alisa Marie said...

very true. tad & I went into hiding the year after we were married. but i found that no one was there when Tad and I came out. it hurts, but I know know now who my friends are. (even if they aren't geographically near.) and i know that great friendships takes a while... a little longer then I expected.