No Air

I currently have the chorus of Glee's version of No Air running on repeat in my head.
I am singing it to the current job market.
Having a mini panic attack.
Oi.

Crisis of Faith?

Warning... today has been a bit much... welcome to my ramblings.


This morning, my roommate and I were discussing how unfortunate it is that we sometimes can't separate an actor from the roles they play, and how one inevitably taints the other. Sara could not enjoy Katherine Heigl in any roles for awhile, because she associated her with someone who cheats with a married man. I started to seriously dislike Lucas on One Tree Hill because he is a douche in real life. Or perhaps you even like the person, and their character, but the mess around them makes you cringe?

I have discovered God, in a strange way, is my ruined celebrity right now. I find myself avoiding Him because his followers drive me crazy. I am constantly saddened and embarrassed by the ignorance, complacency, and selfishness that I see in the church. Let me take that back... I have not seen it inside the church so often lately, but more like when we escape it's walls and are living out our every day lives.

I feel horrible, because it is not by any fault of God that I am pulling away. I in no way doubt what I believe to be true about Christ, and what I have found i the bible. I am simply so sick of His name being attached to the ridiculousness around me that I almost cringe when I hear it spoken. This is not how it should be. I need to find a church and be connected into a community that reminds me that there are people out there who believe and put into practice the teachings of Christ. I need to be reminded there are others who feel this ache and who want more. I need to know people are just as embarrassed as I am. I feel a bit alone and lost in all of this right now. I get angry and realize it is only covering the confusion and disappointment, so I try not to let it bubble over too much... although then I hit times like these where I feel near panic attack over the question :"WHY!?". Why are people like this? Why do people not CARE about those less fortunate. Why do people not care about those around them beyond what those people can do for them? AND... why do people think they are so much more caring simply because they are Christian? When did people forget a large portion of "becoming christian" is essentially saying "I suck and I need help" (to put it ever so eloquently). AND WHO decided that we are somehow better, more talented, more giving, more selfless than others in this world, simply for admitting we need a higher power and believing in it? When did we forget that EVERYONE is made in the image of God, and EVERYONE has beauty/talent/value... I am ranting. I know. I am just so tired of it all.


I feel like I am in some twisted religious monopoly game where everyone is trying to just do the best for themselves, outsmart everyone else, show no mercy, and God is nothing more then a Get Out of Hell Free card that people keep tucked away for when that time comes. I'm tired of playing :(

I miss having peers who care about the same things that I do. That actually care, don't just hear stories and say "aw buddy" or "oh boo" or "that's the world we live in". I have so few left in my life that truly want to not just see a difference, but make a difference. I know I am nowhere close to alone in this.. i just wish I could be around people with the same passion.

Through is all, I know God is still there. I don't doubt it. In fact, it makes me see our need for Him even more. I just am having trouble separating Him from all the bullshit. It isn't fair, it isn't wise, and I will find my way back... I always do. I just don't know what to do for now... ugh.

"Baked" Goods

1. I finally had a Dunkin Donut (the boston kreme to be exact). Fabulous. yum yum yum. I want another.




2. I realized that being a gimp, I could finally watch a few shows that I have not had the time to enjoy. I perused my netflix instant and was excited to find Weeds Season 1. This show is hilarious and strangely enough gives me the munchies just by watching it. :)





3. I had a Dr appt yesterday, but for the sake of not returning to lame ads, my f.o.o.t will be referred to as a cupcake, my boot will be frosting, dr the baker, and hosp. the bakery. :) The rest... try to figure out!



I stopped in the to bakery to have the baker do a 3 week follow up on my cupcake. The baker removed the old covering, inspected the cupcake, and I was finally able to put frosting on the cupcake. The cupcake is mishapen and droopy from not being used much, which made me giggle quite a bit when comparing it to the healthy cupcake. However, I was given the sad news that my cupcake is not strong enough to be used yet, and it has to sit still with the frosting on for at least another month. I can occassionally remove the frosting overnight for comfort and air, and to wash the cupcake when needed, but then the frosting must go right back on. Due to travel and the bakery being closed on national holidays, my next visit to the baker can't be until September 14th. So I have 5 more weeks with the frosting, and the cupcake can't have any pressure/weight, so Im stuck with 2.... um... metal toothpicks to move it around until then.

I have a lot to do between now and then... 2 weddings, a bachelorette party in vegas (luckily it's fine for the show, and by that time the cupcake can sit in the pool if careful), my dads bday, the anniversary of our ireland ceremony, and my own birthday. I blame these new developments on my birthday curse! This simply was not the frosted cupcake I expected for these events. Oh Boo. On the positive side (stretching to see it) , I have plenty of time to edit the two weddings I am shooting, I can catch up on my reading, The rest of my body is starting to look like Im eating tons of (real) cupcakes, but soon I should feel good enough for leg lifts, ab work, and I can do free weights, so I can hopefully fix that soon. 2 days after the frosting is removed, Alison is coming to visit, so I'll do my best to show her around while learning to walk again. After that, I have physical therapy, Stephanie's wedding, and then it is back to work and a normal life.

I'm getting antsy for that.

my new curse

Getting the ends of books given away...


I wont lie... the Harry Potter thing scarred me. Tonight's was not so bad, but still a bummer. I have been reading Anna Karenina for some time now (the book is thick), and was just noting last night how excited I am to be nearing the end. Tonight, I was watching Gilmore Girls while editing, totally tuning out... then tune in just to hear them discussing the ending!!!!

Geez.

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving!!!!! I will post more happy thoughts soon. hehe.

I had a dream..

I had a wonderful dream actually, but alas I was woken up by my alarm. Upon waking up, I realized how comfortable I was. I then look over and James is sleeping soundly. All I wanted to do was hug him, roll back into my comfy spot, and fall back into my happy sleep. Days like this I curse adult life. DAMN YOU responsibility!!!!

...

You talk too much.
Maybe that's your way
Of breaking up the silence
That fills you up.
But it doesn't sound the same
When no one's really listening

We stumble into our lives:
Reach for a hand to hold.
And any wonder
We need to find
A certain something, certain.

Turn out the light
And what are you left with?
Open up my hands
And find out they're empty.
Press my face to the ground
I've gotta find a reason.
Just scratching around
For something to believe in:
Something to believe in.

You have too much.
You're spending all your time
Collecting and discovering
It's not enough.
And no matter how you try,
You never find the one you want.

We stumble into our lives:
Without a hand to hold.
And any wonder
We need to find
A certain something, certain.

Turn out the light
And what are you left with?
Open up my hands
And find out they're empty.
Press my face to the ground
I've gotta find a reason.
Still scratching around
For something to believe in:
Something to believe in.

I just need something to believe in

I injured my neck.

I slept 90 min last night.

Im about to watch tv and take muscle relaxants.

woohoo